Sunday, September 6, 2009

My Preface to the Upcoming NFL Season (NFC).

Since posting my AFC preview, there have been two disasters. Number one: I fractured my right wrist when a car decided to hit me while I was on my bike (don't worry the bike appears to be okay). Number two: Brett Favre returned to the NFL with the Minnesota Vikings. I don't have it in me anymore to discuss number two, and as a matter of fact, I'm making a pact with myself to avoid his name in upcoming blogs concerning football, painkillers, or Wrangler jeans. I have no more words. As Simmons put it, Favre's new nickname should simply be "VD" because he just won't go away.

Anyway, the fractured wrist deterred me from attempting the NFC blog because I would've had to practically operate my computer left-handed. Seeing that I've basically disowned my left hand for the first 28 years of my life, I didn't really expect it to forgive me and cooperate. My apologies, left hand. I'll never treat you like a 15-year old heroin-addicted, pregnant daughter again.

Regardless, my right hand can now sufficiently operate well enough to complete my NFL preview. Plus, I would've felt like a real fuckface if I just had an AFC preview and blamed it on an injured body part. I know that I'm cutting it close with the season starting on Thursday, but better late than never, right?

As was said with the AFC preview, I'm not going any further than the teams that are going to get in the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys (10-6) - Let me preface this with saying that I hate this division. Why else would I have picked the Cowboys to win? It's always overblown and consequently disappointing. That being said, Jerry Jones did build a fifty kajillion dollar stadium and shrewdly sabotaged the opposing punter with an enormously outrageous scoreboard that acts as a huge psyche out. As sad as it sounds, after superficially evaluating the other quarterbacks in the division, I've got to go with Romo. Yep, I just said that I'm going with Tony Romo.
Philadelphia Eagles (9-7) - Remember that discussion about Anquan Boldin heading to the Eagles. Remember how it didn't happen? Remember how the Eagles never did bring in a big time receiver? Have a good time leaning on a second year prima donna (DeSean Jackson) and a rookie (Jeremy Maclin). Oh, and Michael Vick used to electrocute dogs.
New York Giants (7-9) - When Plaxico Burress was suspended last season, the Giants pretty much fell apart. Why this wasn't regularly talked about on the ESPNs confounds me. Dear New York, Eli Manning has no one to throw his knuckle-balls to anymore. You're totally fucked. Justin and I are actually still in shock that Eli Manning is a "Super Bowl Champion." Just doesn't sound right, does it? So, why not give him a huge extension and a ton of money? This shit is just too wonky. Tyree got released yesterday. The Super Bowl mojo is done and gone. You ruined a perfectly good Super Bowl and my chance to witness the perfect season. Screw you, Giants.
Washington Redskins (5-11) - When you make rumblings on two separate occasions about chucking your quarterback, you've basically given up on him as part of your future. Don't get me wrong, I like Clinton Portis and Santana Moss, and I'd really like to see Jason Campbell succeed. He just won't.

Green Bay Packers (12-4) - I know that the Green Bay Packers are a sexy pick right now. Am I jumping on the bandwagon? Yes. Yes I am. The fact that Aaron Rodgers has succeeded since the Brett Favre debacle elates me. Plus, this division isn't the beast everyone's making it out to be (see below).
Chicago Bears (10-6) - I applaud you, Bears. You stuck your neck out and made a big move. Congrats on bringing in Cutler. By the way, who in almighty hell is he going to throw the ball to with three minutes left in the 4th quarter of a playoff game? The fact that Devin Hester is a number one receiver is a joke. He's a backup cornerback and a good special teams player. That's it. It's like a statistical nerd getting hired as the GM of a basketball team just because he's a whiz at crunching rebounding numbers and shooting percentages. Oh, wait...
Detroit Lions (5-11) - Giving the Lions five wins is a bit of a stretch, but I'm a pretty big Calvin Johnson fan. Unfortunately, I feel like the Lions are going to start Stafford over Culpepper (I found this out to be true a couple of days after writing the preview), so Johnson's numbers aren't going to be as glaring. Carson Palmer played backup for a year. Rivers did it for two. So did Rodgers. Seems like a logical decision to me considering Culpepper still has some gas in the tank. Plus, I just want to see him do his touchdown arm roll celebration thing.
Minnesota Vikings (2-14) - Brett Favre.

New Orleans Saints (11-5) - I don't know why New Orleans isn't getting any love this year. Drew Brees almost conquered Marino's single season passing totals last year. Sure, their defense is suspect, but it really comes down to the fact that this is the least interesting division in the NFL, and the Saints are the most likable (Katrina aside). Also, I can't believe Mark Brunell is still puttering around. Here's two more points for the wily old veteran that couldn't throw five yards if he had gun to his balls.
Atlanta Falcons (8-8) - Time to float back down to reality, Matt Ryan. Whenever you're being interviewed by Sports Illustrated alongside real quarterbacks (aside from Romo and Roethlisberger) about the "toughest job in sports," you know you've blown your load too soon. The Gonzales pickup was nice, but isn't Atlanta notorious for having an all-around terrible fanbase? No wonder the city could only win one World Series in the 53 tries they had during the 90s.
Carolina Panthers (6-10) - Dear Carolina, Jake Delhomme isn't good anymore. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure he ever was any good. You remember last year's playoffs, right? I've never seen anything quite so disgustingly horrendous. It's as if I was watching the Hindenburg disaster, only I was laughing the entire time. I predict Delhomme's head will explode following his fourth interception in the first 11 minutes of the first quarter of the opener. What a putz.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-14) - I really don't know if there's going to be a worse team in the league this season. I think they're starting the guy who vacuums my apartment building's stairs at quarterback. Where's Jeff Gracia when you need him? I also have no idea who the coach is. I honestly can't think of his name or what he looks like at all. That probably doesn't bode well.

Arizona Cardinals (11-5) - I'm not going with the sexy Seattle Seahawks pick. Partly because I'm still bitter over losing T.J. Houshmandzadeh but mostly because Arizona's offense is a fucking juggernaut. Boldin's still there, Fitzgerald is the best receiver in the league, and old bones Warner has been rejuvenated. The reason? I can only assume that he's got a great offseason training program of constantly banging out his wife now that she turned good looking overnight. Oh, and God's on his side.
San Francisco 49ers (8-8) - That's right! Shaun Hill is going to lead the old boys back to the glory land. Well, not really. They'll continue to swim in mediocrity for at least the next five to six years. Crabtree's never going to sign, but it doesn't really matter because Shaun Hill's the quarterback. Am I right? Dear 49ers, Take this opportunity to groom Alex Smith. You remember him, right? He's that one guy you drafted first overall. Did he really get a fair shake, or were you too busy crapping out a heaping mess of diarrhea all over his confidence? All that being said, I just glanced at the roster. Oomph...
Seattle Seahawks (8-8) - Is it just me or do way too many ignorant analysts view Matt Hasselbeck as an elite quarterback? I suppose the Seahawks could take a few steps forward this year, but I'd prefer to see Hasselbeck continue his back injuries and fall by the wayside. To be honest, I'm really still just bitter over the fact that the Seahawks let the '05 Steelers win the Super Bowl. The pain I went through with those playoffs is indescribable.
St. Louis Rams (4-12) - I mean, who really gives a shit about the Rams anyway?

Division Champs: Cowboys, Packers, Saints, Cardinals
Wild Cards: Bears, Eagles

Please appreciate the effort I put in to get this thing up before the Thursday night game. It would've just felt wrong otherwise. Good to have you back, football. Hugs and kisses.