Sunday, December 30, 2007

brute sport.

as another year winds to an end, my first inclination is to reminisce about all of the great sporting feats that have occurred this year. I'm currently watching the final bengals game, and the fact that i'm writing this as the game is going on should tell you how disappointing the season has been. you've got one more year marvin. one more year. show me that defensive mastermind side of your psyche because i've been waiting five years for it to be unleashed.

anyway, i've realized over the past couple of years how much more i appreciate the intricacies and soap opera-like identity of sports. i used to live and die with my local teams. my sunday would be ruined, or severely injured, if the bengals lost. i was too dependent on my teams. last night, however, i was able to witness history, and i was all for it. as the patriots were putting a stamp on an unprecedented 16-0 season, i found myself rooting for them to make history because i wanted to see it. most people i know, minus a select one or two (justin), didn't want to see the patriots finish the perfect season. why not? does anyone else not think that it's amazing that you just got to watch a football season in which a team went undefeated. i don't know about you, but i wasn't alive in 72 to see the dolphins go 14-0, which by the way is not 16-0, so fuck em anyway.

i wanted to see barry bonds break the home run record. when he did it, i was literally upset i didn't get to see it happen live (damn west coast start times). it's like the climax to a long, intricate novel. i don't often read a 500 page novel so i can toss it aside with 50 pages left and say "fuck this." see it through to the end. if you enjoyed it enough to make it that far, you may as well finish it up. regardless of the ethics of the bonds situation, i was still able to witness history. i know this all sounds overblown and ridiculous, but i'm passionate about this shit, and therefore want to partake in the historical moments of the substance i spend so much of my brainpower concentrating on.

ESPN is my news network. i'm almost 27 and really have no interest in watching CNN or the nightly news. don't get me wrong, i stay informed, but i'd be lying if i didn't say that i'd probably rather watch a division II college basketball quarterfinal than an update on which way the contingency of voters is leaning in the state of iowa concerning the democratic nomination. barf. i mean come on, just look at everything that has happened this year aside from the aforementioned spectacles: michael vick and his dogs, the nba reffing scandal, brett favre, tom brady, and randy moss breaking records, the colorado rockies!, the red sox winning another!? championship, the mitchell report, peyton manning getting his superbowl, roger clemens' "alleged" doping (which i've been calling for years by the way), the debacle that has been the college football season (fuck the BCS), and dozens more. constant adrenaline. if i could sit at a round table for 10 hour days, watching and talking about sports, i'd be happy. i wouldn't even mind that extra two hours of work. wouldn't bother me a bit. you don't even have to give me a lunch break. no problem.

the football seasons are wrapping up, college and nba basketball are in full swing, and the ultimate soap opera that is the baseball season is lurking in the shadows. fucking beautiful.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

top ten of 2007.


1. les savy fav - let's stay friends
2. pissed jeans - hope for men
3. the black lips - good bad not evil
4. battles - mirrored
5. blitzen trapper - wild mountain nation
6. band of horses - cease to begin
7. dillinger escape plan - ire works
8. justice - cross
9. the national - boxer
10. maserati -inventions for the new season

that's my list. it's pretty much exactly right.

Friday, December 7, 2007

five reasons.

why it's difficult to wake up in the morning.

1. having to make breakfast. i'm not much of a bowl of cereal person. i want deliciousness that has been cooked. i always wake up hungry as hell in the morning, and it's always a struggle to fight that hunger down long enough to make some eggs and hashbrowns. sound lazy? well, at least i make my breakfast. do you? i hope to one day have some sort of indentured servant from a neglected european country flipping pancakes for me when i wake up. i'll walk out of my room, sit down, turn on ESPN, and immediately be served some elaborate croissant accompanied by other various breakfast treats. god yes.

2. convincing myself to exercise. again, another motivation problem. i have plenty of motivation to get shit done, but there's always that second or two in which you're like "i really don't feel putting five layers of shirts and sweatshirts on to go running in 25 degree weather." fuck you people with good metabolism. i shit on you. i want to eat a deep fried cream puff stuffed with ding dong's and oatmeal cream pies and not feel like utter shit afterwards. but i gots them fat genes running through my family's blood. huge bummer right?

3. going to work and selling colors. duh.

4. depriving myself of the fantasticosity (i made that word up) that is smoking. let me preface this by saying that i live with one of the most accomplished smokers i have ever met. he puts a lot of work into perfecting his craft and goddamn if he isn't well on his way to stardom. i painstakingly aspire to be like him and with each cigarette i refuse, i disappoint him just a little more. it's tough man. anyway, i barely smoke at all anymore. i will admit that if i have a few adult beverages in me, things change, and the sweet, golden elixir that is nicotine often finds its way into my voraciously coursing blood stream. you'll have that though. it's better than getting utterly shithoused and going home with the hobo that lives in the alleyway behind the bar. right? but yeah, the myths are all true pertaining to quitting/cutting back. you feel better in the morning, are able to breathe easier, and maybe even retain some sense of taste. neat.

5. having to watch 5,000 frank tv commercials. and here's another preface. when james cameron's "epic masterpiece" know as titanic came out, i vowed never to watch it for as long as i lived. it gets pretty exhausting being bombarded from every angle by a dynamic array of hype and reviews which diligently work to crown a melodramatic love story with a ship sinking in the background as being one of cinema's truly great romances. you couldn't escape the bullshit that this movie spewed forth, and people were creaming their pants over it. made me sick then and i still refuse to see it. i rule. now enter frank tv. during the baseball playoffs (october) on tbs, the network decided to fucking flood, and later drown, the senses of the devoted sports fan with a disgusting onslaught of frank tv promotion which wasn't scheduled to premiere for a month (late november). a fucking month. well, the piece of shit has premiered and guess what? they're still putting that impersonating shithead in every commercial break. i absolutely refuse to watch five seconds of that show. i usually even turn over when the commercial comes on. let's get it together tbs. do you need me to come work there and show you how to promote a show? actually, can i just severely injure frank caliwhateverthefuckhislastnameis and put the american public out of its collective misery?

fired up.

next installment - five reasons why i love waking up in the morning.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Monday, November 26, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

larry david > jerry seinfeld

i had been planning on dedicating this post to the woeful cincinnati bengals, but i don't even have it in me to start up with that. i actually just spent about an hour talking to my stepdad about the probability that certain bengals defensive players probably have trouble doing menial, everyday tasks, like making their beds, pouring a bowl of cereal, or using a vacuum cleaner. i mean, if you can't simply make a tackle, pressure the quarterback, or not give someone a 7 yard cushion on hook routes, then how can i expect you to do something as complicated as buttering toast. acutally, if someone did give a bengals defensive player a butter knife, a piece of toast, and some country crock buttery spread, he'd probably end up accidentally stabbing the dog or something.

but i digress...

now to what's really on my mind. it's with great sadness that i have come to the realization that jerry seinfeld has become a disappointment. he just doesn't have it anymore, if he ever even did in the first place. you want to know why? because he doesn't have the incomparable larry david to lean on anymore. this entry will probably actually end up being more of an ode to the defeated, cynical, sarcastic genius that is larry david rather than an outright lambasting of jerry seinfeld. so, i'll get the seinfeld shit out of the way first.

he's not really that funny. people are duped into thinking that he was the fuel that made Seinfeld run. this is far from the truth. think back to when larry david left the show after the seventh season. he was the pillar of the show. in addition to writing much of the material, everything ran through him. if he didn't write the show, it had to be approved by him and he did a great deal of editing content to make it more enjoyable to us, the consumers. in season eight and season nine, however, there was a huge drop-off in quality. i know the show was just as if not more popular, but once jerry seinfeld took over basically what larry david's role had been, the show began its decline. i think seinfeld knew it too. that's why it only lasted two more seasons after larry david left. it felt forced. the story lines felt forced and more than anything, the jokes felt forced. seinfeld knew it wasn't as good.

i remember watching an interview jerry seinfeld had in which he discussed an upcoming episode ("the pothole"). he proclaimed that he thought it was one of the funniest, most innovative episodes the show had ever done. as i watched the interview, i thought to myself, man he's trying to convince himself that it's good. now to me personally, that doesn't seem to be a sign of confidence in yourself. don't get me wrong, the show had a glimmer here and there of pure unadulterated comedy ("the bizarro jerry" or "the chicken roaster") but it wasn't as consistent. in my mind, larry david's exit from the show doomed Seinfeld the show, and consequently solidified his absolute, sometimes unheralded, comic prowess.

(plea to jerry seinfeld: stop being a media whore. i don't care that you made a dreamworks kids movie about bees. stop showing up in computer commercials and "comedic" shorts during episodes of the office. they're not funny and you're making yourself look like a jackass. please, please stop).

a few years after leaving Seinfeld, larry david figured that the world of entertainment needed his uniquely jaded sense of humor back; thankfully, Curb Your Enthusiasm was born. okay, i don't have HBO or any of the swanky movie channels. therefore, i don't get to see the episodes of Curb as they're broadcast each week. i have to patiently wait for the DVD seasons to come out. so piss on all you turds that know all about season 6 right now. i don't, and it sucks. this is all being said as a token of my devotion to all things comedically inspired by larry david. i bought the first season of the show without ever having seen an episode. i knew it would be good. fuck that. i knew it'd be fantastic. Seinfeld was a precedent, and the decline of Seinfeld after he left made the merits of Curb obvious.

i was right. best comedy show on television. that shit's improvised people. poor, poor victim of circumstance. i've never played golf before in my life, but i'd play 18 holes with larry david in a heartbeat and make an ass of myself.

"you should get rid of one of the 'motherfuckers' and use 'bitch' instead."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


so i just got done watching the season premiere of project runway. that's right...project runway. it was pretty awesome. my roommate russ and i made a delightful but light pasta dinner, sipped on wine coolies, and made catty comments about all of the haircuts and bad fashion choices made by the contestants. glorious.

seriously, though, the judges kept the hippie on the show - really just because she was a hippie or a free spirit or someone whose blood is comprised entirely of quaaludes and psychedelic shrooms. do people really appreciate that shit? entertainment value i guess. all of the other contestants spent the entire episode belittling her and commenting on her "unorthodox" techniques. she's a moron and sucks. they'll keep her around for a little bit, though. gotta keep the hippie around. she's so existential.

the previews for the upcoming shows always reel me in man. they basically allude to the fact that a mass murder or something is going to take place in the next episode. so i obviously have to watch. i mean, what if i missed someone stabbing someone else in the jugular with a pair of shears. that shit just doesn't translate as well in the re-runs.

bravo has the best reality shows. such a dynamic array of characters. there's always a snide 21-year old prima donna with glasses engulfing his entire face and a haircut so out of balance that it makes him lean slightly to the right. then you have the crafty veteran who's been in the industry forever, needs to become his "own" designer, and eventually gets puked out the bottom of the show because he has no originality, thus solidifying his worthlessness. the hack then later conducts a mass murder/suicide. see how everything comes full circle there?

bravo, you're brilliant.

oh, and i'm saying this with a firm reputation of staunch heterosexuality, i love tim gunn. i want him to make me dinner and later read a stephen king novel to me aloud. that'd be some fucking surreal entertainment.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i'm now watching college basketball.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


for some reason, i find it necessary to have a blog in order to toss a select few into a chasm of incessant ramblings.

this should be fun.