Monday, November 26, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

larry david > jerry seinfeld

i had been planning on dedicating this post to the woeful cincinnati bengals, but i don't even have it in me to start up with that. i actually just spent about an hour talking to my stepdad about the probability that certain bengals defensive players probably have trouble doing menial, everyday tasks, like making their beds, pouring a bowl of cereal, or using a vacuum cleaner. i mean, if you can't simply make a tackle, pressure the quarterback, or not give someone a 7 yard cushion on hook routes, then how can i expect you to do something as complicated as buttering toast. acutally, if someone did give a bengals defensive player a butter knife, a piece of toast, and some country crock buttery spread, he'd probably end up accidentally stabbing the dog or something.

but i digress...

now to what's really on my mind. it's with great sadness that i have come to the realization that jerry seinfeld has become a disappointment. he just doesn't have it anymore, if he ever even did in the first place. you want to know why? because he doesn't have the incomparable larry david to lean on anymore. this entry will probably actually end up being more of an ode to the defeated, cynical, sarcastic genius that is larry david rather than an outright lambasting of jerry seinfeld. so, i'll get the seinfeld shit out of the way first.

he's not really that funny. people are duped into thinking that he was the fuel that made Seinfeld run. this is far from the truth. think back to when larry david left the show after the seventh season. he was the pillar of the show. in addition to writing much of the material, everything ran through him. if he didn't write the show, it had to be approved by him and he did a great deal of editing content to make it more enjoyable to us, the consumers. in season eight and season nine, however, there was a huge drop-off in quality. i know the show was just as if not more popular, but once jerry seinfeld took over basically what larry david's role had been, the show began its decline. i think seinfeld knew it too. that's why it only lasted two more seasons after larry david left. it felt forced. the story lines felt forced and more than anything, the jokes felt forced. seinfeld knew it wasn't as good.

i remember watching an interview jerry seinfeld had in which he discussed an upcoming episode ("the pothole"). he proclaimed that he thought it was one of the funniest, most innovative episodes the show had ever done. as i watched the interview, i thought to myself, man he's trying to convince himself that it's good. now to me personally, that doesn't seem to be a sign of confidence in yourself. don't get me wrong, the show had a glimmer here and there of pure unadulterated comedy ("the bizarro jerry" or "the chicken roaster") but it wasn't as consistent. in my mind, larry david's exit from the show doomed Seinfeld the show, and consequently solidified his absolute, sometimes unheralded, comic prowess.

(plea to jerry seinfeld: stop being a media whore. i don't care that you made a dreamworks kids movie about bees. stop showing up in computer commercials and "comedic" shorts during episodes of the office. they're not funny and you're making yourself look like a jackass. please, please stop).

a few years after leaving Seinfeld, larry david figured that the world of entertainment needed his uniquely jaded sense of humor back; thankfully, Curb Your Enthusiasm was born. okay, i don't have HBO or any of the swanky movie channels. therefore, i don't get to see the episodes of Curb as they're broadcast each week. i have to patiently wait for the DVD seasons to come out. so piss on all you turds that know all about season 6 right now. i don't, and it sucks. this is all being said as a token of my devotion to all things comedically inspired by larry david. i bought the first season of the show without ever having seen an episode. i knew it would be good. fuck that. i knew it'd be fantastic. Seinfeld was a precedent, and the decline of Seinfeld after he left made the merits of Curb obvious.

i was right. best comedy show on television. that shit's improvised people. poor, poor victim of circumstance. i've never played golf before in my life, but i'd play 18 holes with larry david in a heartbeat and make an ass of myself.

"you should get rid of one of the 'motherfuckers' and use 'bitch' instead."

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007


so i just got done watching the season premiere of project runway. that's right...project runway. it was pretty awesome. my roommate russ and i made a delightful but light pasta dinner, sipped on wine coolies, and made catty comments about all of the haircuts and bad fashion choices made by the contestants. glorious.

seriously, though, the judges kept the hippie on the show - really just because she was a hippie or a free spirit or someone whose blood is comprised entirely of quaaludes and psychedelic shrooms. do people really appreciate that shit? entertainment value i guess. all of the other contestants spent the entire episode belittling her and commenting on her "unorthodox" techniques. she's a moron and sucks. they'll keep her around for a little bit, though. gotta keep the hippie around. she's so existential.

the previews for the upcoming shows always reel me in man. they basically allude to the fact that a mass murder or something is going to take place in the next episode. so i obviously have to watch. i mean, what if i missed someone stabbing someone else in the jugular with a pair of shears. that shit just doesn't translate as well in the re-runs.

bravo has the best reality shows. such a dynamic array of characters. there's always a snide 21-year old prima donna with glasses engulfing his entire face and a haircut so out of balance that it makes him lean slightly to the right. then you have the crafty veteran who's been in the industry forever, needs to become his "own" designer, and eventually gets puked out the bottom of the show because he has no originality, thus solidifying his worthlessness. the hack then later conducts a mass murder/suicide. see how everything comes full circle there?

bravo, you're brilliant.

oh, and i'm saying this with a firm reputation of staunch heterosexuality, i love tim gunn. i want him to make me dinner and later read a stephen king novel to me aloud. that'd be some fucking surreal entertainment.

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i'm now watching college basketball.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


for some reason, i find it necessary to have a blog in order to toss a select few into a chasm of incessant ramblings.

this should be fun.