Thursday, October 22, 2009

A "Fun" Theory About a Mind-Boggling Contraption.

My roommate introduced me to the recent theory concerning the Large Hardron Collider that's located in the countryside near Geneva, Switzerland. Instead of trying to explain the device and its purpose (I'd inevitably botch the description), I'm going to refer to a June 2007 article from Popular Mechanics:

"Inside the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), massive, powerful magnets chilled to a few degrees above absolute zero — colder than outer space — will zip beams of superenergetic protons and lead nuclei in a loop at speeds within a hairsbreadth of the speed of light, then collide them head-on. The energy released will be so vast that the impacts will recreate conditions in the universe as they existed just a fraction of a second after the big bang. If the LHC performs as expected, it could at last nail down that holy grail of contemporary physics, the Higgs boson — known as the “God particle” because it is thought to lend mass to matter. It may even finally unveil the secret of dark matter, the mysterious entity that makes up 85 percent of the universe — thereby shedding light on as-yet-unexplainable motions of galaxies."

Daunting shit, right? Regardless, the brains of the world have had a hell of a getting this thing to operate properly and are becoming rather frustrated with repeated disappointments. The initial startup date (November 2007) was delayed when a "cryogenic magnet support broke during a pressure test." Operation was again delayed in 2008 due to a "faulty electrical connection between two magnets." In July of this year, leaks were identified, once again delaying what is being deemed as the "start of operations."

Doesn't it seem a little wacky that the world's preeminent physicists and scientists can't get this terrifying monstrosity cooking? Well, others agree. Because of the prolonged difficulties, rational theories are beginning to be tossed by the wayside. The newest and best theory is that the Collider is being sabotaged by forces/humans from the future who are traveling back in time to halt operations and avoid an imminent disaster that would disrupt the future's equilibrium and possibly suck the Earth into a black hole.

This is some Terminator 2: Judgment Day kind of mind-melter shit. It's being compared a lot more to Back to the Future, but that's too PG-rated and campy for me. I tend to envision the scene when Arnold, Eddie Furlong, and Linda Hamilton go after (basically attempt to murder) Dr. Miles Dyson of Cyberdene Systems Corporation to prevent the future self-awareness of Skynet, a catastrophe that would result in the "rise of the machines," mass destruction, and a couple of subpar sequels.

To be honest, I'm not even poking fun at the free thinking theorists. I just find it humorous and entertaining when all rational thought has been expended and the next logical explanation is time travel. Fucking brilliant.

5 comments:

edwardallen said...

i have serious doubts that you actually wrote this blog for the following reasons:

1) you didn't tell me that you were writing it.

2) when you said, "my roommate..." it raised a total red flag. how much did you have to pay your roommate to write this for you, and then put that clever little line in the beginning?

3) you're not this smart. i've never heard you refer to anything remotely this intelligent. this is a long way from peyton manning and favorite band talk

like the balloon boy, you are a fraud.

Kevin Wesley said...

How dare, you Justin. I'm intelligent from time to time. How dare you.

Okay, I'm going to go strap some M.U.S.C.L.E. Men to some firecrackers now and blow them the fuck up.

Magda said...

My high school understanding of physics leads me to believe that you are 100% correct. However, common sense dictates that the Armageddon is totally not igniting in Switzerland. Time travel and epic battles between men and machines are 100% American.

Michael Coates said...

I am glad you provided that Wiki link to T2 Judgment Day since I was not familiar with this cultural reference.

Michael Coates said...

http://gizmodo.com/5397970/large-hadron-collider-overheats-due-to-dropped-chunk-of-bread