Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Footballs and Oscars.

If I didn't make some sort of Super Bowl post, I'd feel like I was defying my identity or something, and ultimately, I would just be devastating my readers (all five to seven of them). I know this, and that's why I must forge ahead. The Super Bowl this year is leaving a lump in my throat for a few reasons. The most obvious reason is that it involves my most hated sports franchise. Of course, I'm talking about the Arizona Cardinals. Damn those fuckers for toiling in obscurity year after year and never amounting to more than an abandoned shit in an outhouse. I hate them for having a battered, seasoned quarterback making comeback number three and one of the best wide receivers I've seen in my life (I know that's hyperbolic, but his stretch in the playoffs has turned me into some sort of freak believer). The Cardinals don't deserve anything. They should crawl back to the rotting, rancid cesspool they climbed out of and die.

Not buying it? Of course not. It's ridiculous to think that anyone could hate the Arizona Cardinals. I don't even think Pittsburgh Steelers fans hate them. How could anyone hate a team that has simply been piss poor for as long as he or she can remember? I don't hate the Cleveland Browns. I feel sorry for them. Probably like the rest of the world feels sorry for the Cincinnati Bengals. Whatever. On the other hand, the real scourge of the football world and really just society as a whole is the Pittsburgh Steelers. The evil of all evils.

Let's take a journey back to the 2005-2006 season. The Bengals were having some sort of bizarro world year where the defense was like +30 in turnovers and, alongside the precision accuracy and genius of Carson Palmer, our offense was like the Ivan Drago training scene in Rocky IV, minus the steroids. Intense and balls out. Anyway, we obviously made it to the playoffs and then the ACL tear thing happened on the second play, thus destroying our chance to win the game. I don't necessarily think the Kimo von Oelhoffen hit was on purpose, but it without a doubt made us lose the game. The Steelers then went on to cruise through the playoffs on Carson Palmer's torn ACL and win the Super Bowl. Watching those playoffs was like being treated to repeated papercuts on your eyeballs and genitals. It was excruciating, and the Bengals haven't been the same since.

Now the Steelers are back in the Super Bowl and playing a team that they're basically better than. My solace in the situation is that I'm awful at choosing Super Bowl winners (I'm obviously rooting for the Cardinals, but actually believe the Steelers will probably win . . . as much as it pains me to say that). The only one I've picked correctly in recent years was the Colts, but really how could they have lost that game? If you don't remember, it was against the Bears. One of the most overrated teams in recent memory. If you haven't caught on, I hate the Steelers more than the Plague. They are a team of derelicts. A team comprised of individuals who would sell their sisters and mothers into a massive ring of prostitution trafficking. A team that would go to the pound, adopt several puppies and kittens, and throw them out of moving vehicles. A team that is the root of all evil. We all know that in this economy, if you need to hate one thing, it's important hate the Pittsburgh Steelers.

So before the game, I'm going to need everyone to kneel and pray for the following things to happen:

Troy Polamalu will be chasing down Fitzgerald after yet another amazing catch, grab onto the back of him, and begin choking on one of Fitzgerald's dreads. After finally detaching himself from Fitzgerald and watching him run into the end zone, Polamalu will begin grasping for air again as he realize he's choking on his own mop of hair.

The much too excited Mike Tomlin (Omar Epps) will go to chest bump Willie Parker after a three yard run or some other fool after a shoestring tackle and consequently be knocked back into a group of Steelers, creating a domino effect of morons falling over on the sidelines.

Ben Roethlisberger (Benny Burger) will get get destroyed on a blindside blitz resulting in his face getting creamed into the ground and his helmet turning completely around and leaving him blinded. Then as he's stumbling around with his arms out trying to find his way (not realizing to turn his helmet back the right way), a Cardinals defensive lineman will get on his hands and knees as another Cardinal pushes Roethlisberger over. This will be replayed for eternity, and everyone will laugh every time.

In addition, Benny Burger will finally be discovered as a mediocre quarterback who often gets away with holding onto the ball too long and chucking passes that have no right being thrown, a la Brett Favre. Why the fuck did the Steelers give him so much money? It baffles me.

Hines Ward (the Devil) will simultaneously have both legs and arms broken on a freak play in which he gets tackled by eight Cardinals. As he's laying motionless on the field still shining those pearly whites with that big smile, I'll jump out of the stands from my seat on the 50 yard line and punch his fucking teeth out.

If all of these things happen: Cardinals 89 Steelers 4

One thing that greatly saddens me about the game this year is that it doesn't appear as if there's going to be a blow out Super Bowl party. As many of you know, I take great pride in my Super Bowl parties, which were usually organized alongside Mr. Joe Lamb. It's a holiday without all the obnoxious chores. Gorge yourself, drink alcohol, watch football, and yell at the commercials. If there's a better sounding life option than that, I have yet to hear it. We've thrown a Super Bowl party four years running, and I always kind of thought of it as my baby. Bummer. Okay, I better move on to part two of this gigantic post before I start tearing up.

Every year I hear about all this Oscar buzz all these fancy shmancy movies are getting and how great they are and blah, blah, blah. Initially, I blow them all off because fuck you for telling me to go see something. It's like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry buys Elaine the Orodent toothbrush because of how great it is and how much better he knows it to be from her old toothbrush, but she doesn't give a shit about getting it primarily because he raves about it so much. She's just not interested (Man I'm so glad I could squeeze a Seinfeld moment in). Anyway, every year I wait until the Oscar nominations come out and suddenly feel impelled to see everything that was nominated for any kind of noteworthy award (i.e. best picture, actor, director, and so on). It's like I have to give them some sort of approval for nominating the movies for such "big fucking deal" awards. So, I've recently been doing the rounds, and here's my short synopses of three of the more touted movies of the year.

Slumdog Millionaire - I fully enjoyed this movie. It's brutal about the truths of the Indian slums, and some of the scenes, such as the straight burning of the kids eyes at the "foster/prison camp," are intense. Plus you can't beat watching a kid jump into a hole full of shit. The game show question parallels to the character's pratfalls and triumphs weave throughout the movie pretty seamlessly. I definitely wished it hadn't resorted to focusing on the love plot at the end because I really thought that whole plot line was taking a more appropriate backseat throughout most of the movie. All of the sudden, it was the focus. It was the most forced part of the movie, and it hurt the ending.

The Wrestler - Mickey Rourke, who won the Golden Globe for best actor, looked like a fucking trainwreck in this movie. Just amazing. Is it just me or did anyone else expect the Wrestler to be bleaker? I mean, it's an Aronofsky movie. Gotta admit that I was a little let down by that. The daughter subplot seemed forced, and Marisa Tomei's character kind of annoyed me. Rourke definitely carried the movie even though Tomei was naked throughout most of the film. She's 45 by the way. Yikes. Is that the only way she gets movie roles now? Anyway, go see it for Rourke's performance if for nothing else and the fact that it's about old school 80's wrestling. That definitely elicited some nostalgia from me.

Frost/Nixon - I don't know shit about this era of history and to be honest, I thought there were going to be some parts in the movie I was going to have to trudge through. Plus, I was super tired when I saw it, so I though my concentration would suffer. Wrong on both accounts. My expectations were exceeded, particularly by Frank Langella's performance as Nixon. He should without a doubt win the Oscar. I thought it was unreal, and what the hell do I know about Nixon? This movie inspired me to research the actual Frost/Nixon interviews. That doesn't happen too often. Bacon, Sheen, Platt, and Rockwell all played their roles beautifully. Best surprise of the year for me. Who knew I could be so intrigued by a character/president that hasn't been in office in my lifetime?

I refuse to go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That movie looks like the equivalent to having a four-hour long lobotomy. No thanks.

Whew, longest post ever. That's what I get for waiting so long to talk about the Super Bowl. Damn ESPN's mind numbing, never-ending coverage for souring my own unique analysis of the game. Oh and by the way, I still hate the Steelers.


Magda said...

So I guess f-ball is largely about precision? Which is why you're compelled to discuss it at length in unbelievable detail, and why Fantasy Football exists? I'm just trying to explain away why you won't take the 4.5 days to answer my fundamental question about the NFL. Thanks.

edwardallen said...

nice inclusion of a seinfeld reference. that was keen

and nice work coming back so quickly after your last post. pumping them out now like a blog factory. it's the industrial revolution and you're andrew carnegie

for your birthday i am going to do my best to track down a hines ward jersey to give you. then we will make some sort of ridiculous baseball season bet in which if you lose, you will have to wear the jersey for every bengals game the following year

and look at you seeing all the oscar pics. i was thinking about going to see hotel for dogs... i will let you know how it is

Heidi Lynn Bragg said...

"A team that would go to the pound, adopt several puppies and kittens, and throw them out of moving vehicles. A team that is the root of all evil. We all know that in this economy, if you need to hate one thing, it's important hate the Pittsburgh Steelers."


i stopped reading after this, it was far too long. i'll read the rest tomorrow. but this, this was just perfect.