Saturday, February 28, 2009

"Johnny, You're a Cream Puff!"

I'm sitting here blanking on what to write for this short Reader review I'm doing on Maserati, so I figured I'd just spew out some random Karate Kid thoughts. That'll be a more efficient waste of time . . . right?

The Karate Kid trilogy has been on all day (if you count The Next Karate Kid as being part of the series, then you're an idiot). I already texted Justin about this, but my absolute favorite line from the original Karate Kid, is after Daniel Larusso gets done making up and making out with Elisabeth Shue (who is outrageously out of Ralph Macchio's league) at Golf N' Stuff and shows her that real swanky, vintage yellow car that Mr. Miyagi gave him for his birthday. How a janitor at some rundown apartment complex has ten cars and seems to live in some sort of Xanadu-like Japanese flat in California is beyond me. Anyway, Daniel (Macchio) gives the keys to Ally (Shue) and she says, "You want me to drive?" to which Daniel replies "Hey, it's the 80s!" This makes me laugh every time and always will for the rest of my life.

Cobra Kai is a dynamite band name, and I'm glad that a fantastic band from Cincinnati got to use it. I watched them at the old Buzz coffeehouse one time with I think Russ and Coates. We were standing on a couch to get a view of them playing on the ground, which they were required to do because they were a screamo band, and right when they started, the crowd surged and the legs of the couch gave in and split. The couch, with about 500 pounds of sweaty dude perched on it, fell directly on this kid's foot. How we didn't break that kid's foot or at least turn it into a cartoon-like pancake is beyond me.

Karate Kid, Part III was just on, and is it just me or is Ralph Macchio fat as fuck in the final, dramatic installment of the classic film series? You'd think that the producers, directors, or whoever is actually in charge of making movies would've made him take a couple skips of jump rope before shooting began.

By the way, I love it when trilogies stray away from what made the first movie popular by trying something different in the sequel, only to realize they should've stuck with the formula all along. Karate Kid, Part III reverts back to the same karate tournament, along with Cobra Kai, from the first movie. Die Hard felt the need to bring back a Gruber to play nemesis to John McClain in its third installment. Finally, Indiana Jones knew exactly what was missing from Temple of Doom. That's right, fucking Nazis. So, it wisely has Indiana duel with them again in The Last Crusade. You just can't beat the entertainment value of killing Nazis.

ABC Family is showing The Next Karate Kid right now! Fuck that. Just because Mr. Miyagi is in it doesn't make it true to the catalog. The titles contain "Karate Kid" not "Small Japanese man that wants you to paint his house and sand his deck in return for a couple of defensive moves that could've been learned in 15 minutes of training."

If you didn't know or remember, Hilary Swank is the "Next Karate Kid." Is Hilary Swank good looking? I know this was a subplot of a recent Office episode, but it's a good question. I say yes. Plus, Million Dollar Baby has been on AMC or something recently, and I like it the more and more I see it. Conclusion: I'm a Hilary Swank fan.

Did you know the part of Marty McFly from Back to the Future was initially offered to Ralph Macchio and he turned it down? I heard this at some point in my life and have since rendered it a fact. Just think, Macchio could've also played the role of Doc Hollywood, Teen Wolf, and other Fox roles that are probably just as bad. Still, it would've been a step up for Macchio, who I'm pretty sure only had one role after Karate Kid, Part III and that was Vinny's cousin in, you guessed it, My Cousin Vinny.

That's all I've got for now, plus I don't want to tread over anything Bill Simmons has mentioned before in his podcast or column. Regardless, I'd have to rank the original Karate Kid as being in the top three of my most re-watchable 80s movies. The other two are probably Rocky IV: Rocky Defeats Communism (I've reinvented the title for dramatic effect) and Airplane!


Billy said...

I just wanted to let you know how you know about Ralph Macchio turning down Back to the Future. It is the same reason I know about it. It was a trivial pursuit question. Who turned down the part of Marty McFly in Back to the Future after reading the script and saying, "its just a movie about a boy and a car?" I'm sure Shorty remembers too. Not sure who else was there.

edwardallen said...

i used "the crane kick" as a reference the other day in some situation that i cannot remember, and the person to whom i was sharing this marvelous information with did not know what i was talking about. is a generation growing up right now without the karate kid? how is this possible? if i had a nickel for every time i stood on some elevated surface and posed a wicked crane kick, i would be a rich man. as a matter of fact, as i type this, i am standing on my coffee table and scaring the hell out of my dog calvin... if you could only see the fear in his eyes

Zach B. said...

Repeated airings of "The Glory Of Love" by Peter Cetera on Muzak has permanently soured me on The Karate Kid franchise. Airplane! might be the best movie ever for repeated viewing. You pick up a new joke every time.

The Angel franchise has my vote for best series of the 80s. Prep-school student by day, hooker by night. How can you resist?